just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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