Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
