i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
