He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
