Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
There's always time for handjobs
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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