If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
