Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
