I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
