you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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