i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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