i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
