she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
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