I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
