Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
