Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
you didnt know i had herpes?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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