Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
