so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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