Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
