she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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