sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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