the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
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