We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
