idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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