Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
