Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
