turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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