If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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