Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
My pussy is not your playground.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
this is an emotional support booty call
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Randomize
