now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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