I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
