I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
We named our party play list daddy issues
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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