he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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