He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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