I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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