my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
