Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
