Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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