remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
