just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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