I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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