Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
time to smoke my breakfast
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
