1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
