We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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