I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
