ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
