Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
