this beer tastes like vomit already
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
