Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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