I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
