The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
