The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
