Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
